since a little kid, i’ve struggled with the same old questions:
what do you want to be when you grow up?
where do you see yourself in 5, 10, 20 years?
what are your long-term life goals?
etc, etc, etc.
answer:
i. dont. know.
i didn’t know then. i don’t know now. i honestly might never know.
career paths, growing up, and being a self-sufficient adult. these are all things i’m still learning, as i tread the hectic waters of my life.
at 23, i’ve pursued passions and dreams that now seem too far for me to reach, people that are now long gone.
but there is one thing about myself i’ve always known and felt.
i want to be remembered.
i’m not sure when the thought started, but for as long as i’ve had a conscious mind, i’ve wanted to be remembered.
does that sound self-centred? 100%.
allow me to explain myself.
loving has always been my biggest passion. i feel weird stating that outside of my mind.
family, friends, mentors, randoms, soulmates, even this fucked up life, despite the burdens i carry in the dark.
the heart i own feels too much, it’s bigger than what i can handle sometimes.
so, what do i want to be remembered for?
for being.
for being who i am.
for feeling as much as i do.
for loving as much as i can.
hopefully, for the ways i’ve touched the many souls i’ve crossed paths and connected with, during these 23 years of existing.
many of whom i don’t reach anymore, as that’s the cycle of life.
i’ve stopped holding onto grudges, resentments and painful emotions. instead, i’ve chosen to remember you for the good moments, the silly memories, and the habits i picked up during the times we shared.
tonight, my only wish is for you to feel the same way. as small as that old feeling may be now. as insignificant as those faded memories may look now.
i’d like to be remembered for living, loving, feeling.
for staying true to who i grew up to be. unapologetically.
it may not have worked out 100% of the time, but i can no longer interfere, i cannot go back.
tonight, i remember you from the distance, i feel you from our past, and i wish you the best for your future.
as i can only hope you’ll feel back.
